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My Weird Normal

A blog of a writer who goes by My Weird Normal. I post personal stuff and some shitty stuff I probably wrote in an hour.

jennapatd:

calligraphicwaves:

If someone cheats on you they do not love you, remember that. If someone cheats on you they do not care about you as much as they say they do. If someone cheats on you it means that for a split second you were off their mind long enough for them to put another person in arms that should only be for you. If someone cheats on you, dear god, I hope you don’t go back to them because you are worth so much more than that.

IMPORTANT

DO NOT ever give a second chance to assholes who hurt you, especially not cheaters. Cheaters deserve nothing from you, not an opportunity for them to explain, not your forgiveness ,and definitely not a second chance. Never a second chance. 

(via angstina)

"

One.
You see her for the first time and she’ll walk right past you like you are a crack in the wall and she is a skyscraper with her head so high in the air and when you can’t sleep you’ll think about the way her eyes strayed into yours for a moment too long before breaking away and disappearing into the crowd of people.

Two.
She’ll look both ways before telling you she loves you under her breath and when she hugs you her eyes scan the empty room as if the walls had eyes and ears and mouths that could give you away.

Three.
When she’s curled up on your lap shaking with mismatched breaths you’ll wonder how someone who looked like she carried mountains on her shoulders could crumble so easily in your arms like the tornado in her mind finally hit her and knocked her off her feet.

Four.
In half-light she’ll run her fingers over your arms like she is reading words carved into your skin, binding them together into the perfect metaphor and you’ll hear it playback in your head at 4am when your head runs wild with thoughts of her.

Five.
You’ll find a safe haven on rooftops and abandoned rooms where she’ll set fire to your insides with hushed breaths between kisses planted perfectly on your lips and make you wonder how dangerous it is to play with wild flames while your body is made of paper.

Six.
You’ll stare God right in the eye and tell him that if loving her was a sin then you want no place in heaven with him because the way her lips fit perfectly on your neck is a type of paradise you’ll never forget.

"

-The six stages of falling in love with her. // by rb  (via splitterherzen)

(via dreamersgetnowhere)

It sucks when you start to want to live and life gives you more reasons to die. It’s nights like these that I wish I killed myself.

9-26-14

3:39 am

Theater Dream

There was some sort of play going on and I’m pretty sure the person I was viewing it through was myself. I don’t remember much but I feel like they were taking volunteers from the audience and having them come up and sing and dance with the actors. They chose me at some point and I think I was singing with this boy from my class, . I probably messed up the last bit of the song though, everyone clapped anyway, but it sounded weird.

Anyway, after the play I seemed to change viewpoints. Instead I seemed to be following two boys (they were probably actors or stage hands or something) from the air. They went below the stage and freaked out because they thought they saw a ghost.

They went up to the lobby area and one of the boys was trying to “woo” this really prim looking girl who was with her mother and maybe her mother’s friends or an aunt or something. The girl snuck away with him to some sort of gazebo outside the theater. I think they may have kissed or something, but her mom called her away furiously. Yeah, I woke up soon after. All I know is that it would make such a nice short story or something.

I have finally done it. I have deleted the Facebook messages between my ex and I. Everything’s wonderful. I feel so much better now. I can’t look back at how we used to be. No more reliving the memories. I’m slowly deleting him.

9-24-14

11:56pm

I had a nightmare.

In the dream, I was lying in bed, thinking about writing. I was wondering why there wasn’t a notes section on the watt pad app- don’t know why. Anyway, I heard people making noise in the kitchen so I looked outside my room to see a girl crawl into the bathroom for some reason. I thought she was Ari, she wasn’t.
I heard someone doing dishes and I wondered who could be doing it. So I grabbed a few dirty dishes from our room to take to the kitchen. Peter was awake and followed me out. One thing I noticed is that the house layout seemed the same but the kitchen looked like my parent’s. I walked into the kitchen and saw him and immediately wanted to run or faint or throw up. I quickly put the dishes on the island and tried to turn and run away before Dylan saw me, but Peter wouldn’t move to let me past. I had just gotten past him and started to leave when I woke up. I kind of don’t want to go back to sleep. I mean, God, can’t I just have a decent dream for once?

9-22-14
4:24 am

Prom Dream

So, one of my friends asked me to go with her to prom and I said yes. We ended up joining up with another friend of ours who I want to say was Eric, but he looking nothing like Eric (get out of my dreams Eric, gosh, you loser). In my head I thought he was Eric but in reality I don’t think I’ve seen him before. When we arrived at the prom we ended up joining with this other girl. So we were a group of four walking into prom together. For some reason I had brought pipe cleaners and a few granola bars with me. I told the others it was just in case.

Anyway, the ballroom/conference room had rows of chairs with tables in between them.We went and sat in the very first row. Some bitch I remember from high school was there, pretty sure her name was Megan, all of those leadership girls look a like to me. But she called out to me from behind and said, “Whitney, I hope there’s not a cup of coffee under your purse!” And she turned and laughed with her friends.

At first I was going to ignore her but then I had this good idea to turn around and say, ‘Yeah, to pour all over that ugly dress of yours.’ However, I instead said, “No, I wouldn’t want to mess up your dress. You look beautiful tonight.” I don’t know why I decided to be so nice. I wish I had a cup of coffee to “accidentally” pour down the back of her dress.

Anyway, the teachers had us try to make our friends bowties and I used my pipe cleaners to make one for Eric/boy-I-don’t-really-know. Did a horrible job though. Mrs. Habjanic asked me if I had anymore of the pretty silver pipe cleaners. So I went out to the car to get them for her.

On my way out to the car I saw this guy in a nice suit fall onto some sort of fruit or something and ruin his nice jacket. I felt so bad for him, because he and his dad had just gotten out of a car driven by someone else. His dad had even tipped the person. I feel like they had hitchhiked to get here. Poor boy obviously couldn’t just go home and change. He ended up having to just get rid of his jacket and only wear a polo shirt. It was such a nice gray jacket too.

I was so distracted by that boy, I passed the car and kept walking. I went to the subway station. At first the ticket lady wouldn’t let me or this other girl on, so we just ran past her and hurried onto the subway. At first we ended up in the bathroom elevator thing- it looked like a bathroom in an elevator. It was really weird. Then the girl led me out to where all these people were sitting and watching a movie. Another girl followed us (I’ll call her M). We sat and watched the movie with everyone else, and here’s where it got weird. Or weirder.

Us three girls were suddenly in the movie, as well as one the train. M ended up killing the other girl we were with in the movie, and I think I heard her fall back dead on the train. IN the movie I ran away, but M caught up with me and pushed me into the way of a 8-wheeler (I think that’s the normal amount of wheels for a truck). And yeah, that’s when I woke up.

It wasn’t until i woke up that I realized that I didn’t even need to get on the train to get the pipe cleaners, they were literally in the car just outside of the prom area. Stupid Whitney and her adhd. Also, why do I always end up dying or running from death in these dreams.

"Listen, can we stop with this little charade? I know you don’t want to talk to me anymore. I know you want me to just disappear, but you’re just too nice to tell me or something. I can tell when I’m not wanted, Let me just make this easy for you. I won’t talk to you if you don’t talk to me. I’ll unfriend you on Facebook and I’ll unfollow you everywhere else. I won’t talk to your friends or your sister about you. If I see you in public I won’t talk to you unless you acknowledge me first. I will literally leave you alone. We can just pretend that all of this never happened. Does that work? Thank you for trying to let me down easy and be a civil ex-boyfriend, but you don’t have to torment yourself anymore. Okay?"

-Me.

I Never Said

Something I wrote based on a story I’m rereading.

I never said I cared about you.

She had met him over the internet. At first they only talked every couple of weeks. She felt too awkward to message him first. She hadn’t wanted to bother him. But after a while she grew more comfortable with talking to him. When she first heard his voice her heart fluttered. It sounded gravely, which she soon learned was from the cigarettes he smoked, and Northern. She loved it. They talked on Skype in the middle of the night for hours on end. One night they even ended up falling asleep on Skype together.

She kind of thought she liked him. Seeing his face, hearing his voice, even reading his messages, her heart did a thing. He even told her her that he liked her and she had hoped he meant that more than a friend. Not that it mattered, he was too far away. Not on the other side of the country, but far enough. But maybe, just maybe they could’ve made a long distance relationship work.

I never said I cared about you.

The words stung every time she read them. She had never replied afterwards, but he had. The day after he apologized, saying that he was sorry if he had hurt her feelings. Another few days passed and he tried striking up a conversation with her. Still she ignored him. She didn’t think she could still be friends with him after that. She didn’t think that she could stalk to him and pretend that everything was okay and that he had never hurt her. She couldn’t just pretend that he had never said it.

I never said I cared.

A part of her wanted him to hurt, she wanted him to feel guilty for what he had said, but she knew that wasn’t really her. She was 19. If she wanted people to treat her like the adult she was then she really needed to start acting like one. So, finally, a couple of weeks later she sent him a final reply, It’s okay.

He started messaging her again after that, and sometimes she answered, but mostly she made excuses. She told him that her job was taking up a lot of time. That she was starting to write a new novel and so she was trying to keep offline. She told him that she was busy. That she would message him back later. That she accidentally fell asleep and that she was sorry. Eventually she sent what she decided would be her last message to him.

You never said you cared about me, but I wanted to believe you did.

This one was actually pretty cool

I was at my parents house and I think I was getting my things. Some of the clothes I actually recognized, but now that I’m awake I’ve realized that those weren’t my clothes. I was wearing this pretty red velvet tea length gown with gray thigh highs and I was planning on wearing gray or black boots with it. God, it was a pretty dress. I remember it in detail though I never actually saw it in a mirror. I only saw it through looking down at my lap at it. Unfortunately my mom kept telling me to change.

Now I was in some sort of Hunger Game challenge in the sense that I had to compete against other kids. I don’t think anyone actually died in this challenge, I’m pretty sure it was some virtual thing where they were awoken or something if they got hurt. Like sword art online in the days before the actual story took place. But yeah, my group had all been taken out of the game/challenge thing. It was just me left. I had to climb up this sculpture thing over a lake. There were other people climbing up it as well to grab what was on top but I got to it first because I’m awesome. Then I jumped down and ran as fast as I could.

I didn’t look back. At some point I ended up climbing up a tree to get over a wall and then I jumped from tree to tree to make it to where the last item was. I think I may have had to jump into a lake and swim around blindly searching lake’s bottom. Somehow I found it just as everyone else arrived at the lake. And that’s when I woke up. Triumphant.

I Make Lists To Keep Myself Sane 5

Warning Signs That I Should Have Noticed

  • When I told him that the girl he was friends with made fun of me for reading at the bus stop he told me he probably would’ve made fun of me as well.
  • His best friend is guy who literally oozes untrustworthiness and douchebaggery. I mean, come on.
  • The music he listened to was full of references to necrophilia, rape, and murdering people- mostly women.
  • Apparently, his car had the Confederate flag on it.
  • He liked watching Horror movies, especially controversial and mentally scarring ones. Obviously, we wouldn’t have worked out.
  • He was always getting upset with me over something and I would end up crying because I felt like it was all my fault. That should have been a huge fucking glaring sign.
  • I knew from the beginning he would find me boring and dump me. When you think something bad is going to happen something bad usually ends up happening.

Well, this was a weird one.

We had gone on some trip to this really big and pretty hotel. We were going to take up two rooms. Girls in one, boys in the other. I’m pretty sure Kaitlynn and Coogler were in the dream with me, which is actually weird now that I think about it since they’re exes and all. Anyway, I was walking up to the room but I didn’t know what floor I was supposed to be on, so Kait helped lead me up to the right one. I think it was the top floor and it was terrifying. It looked like the builders had just made another floor out of leftover wood from other projects. I could see right through the wood slabs that made up the floor to the ground outside. Kait crawled over the floor to one of the doors and let herself inside and then I did the same. Once inside the room was extremely messy with other girl’s things, but the floor looked completely sturdy. I remember checking the other room because I didn’t understand how all the girls were supposed to fit in that one room.

At some point I realized that I didn’t have my computer. I went to the other room to check in there and when I realized it wasn’t there I begged the guys (Coogler, maybe Dion- not sure, and some other guy). The guys were playing video games and they wanted to show me something or the other. i think one of them shot a dart at something and then we all hid as if we were afraid of someone. I don’t remember who I was hiding with. When we came back out there was a group of people sitting in the room and this one green looking guy- he reminded me of Thresh from League of Legends. I think only Coogler was there now, I don’t know where the other guys went, but I begged him to help me get back home so that I could grab my computer and come back. Some lady there offered to let us use her car and asked us to bring her daughter along because she was contaminated with some green stuff from Thresh or something. I don’t know why she asked us to bring the kid along, maybe she thought we were going to a doctor? Coogler also gave me his car keys  and I tried to figure out whose car we would use

Anyway, Coogler,the girl, the Thresh looking thing, and I went out to the station and got on a boat. I don’t understand why because we had two cars we could use, but yeah. We started going down this river thing, but the first town we encountered tried to keep us prisoner. So we busted out somehow and freed some of the other prisoners and got away. Our ship was in bad shape so they helped us repair it. At the next town we encountered, everyone seemed nice but also a bit shady. But I never got to figure out how that turned out because I woke up. Weird.

I guess I’ll start doing these again.

I had some sort of dream where my boyfriend and I were both fairies and some guy had hired my boyfriend to kill someone or get some sort of information. But my boyfriend did it in a way that made the guy mad, like he just didn’t do it the way the guy wanted him to. I, on the other hand, was dealing with the fact that my sister was trying to take care of a baby and bring it to it’s mother but right now she was traveling with it through a winter snowstorm. I was trying to encourage her and tell her that she only had a couple more weeks, or maybe hours, until she reached summer. There was also some sort of conflict going on and I was talking to some woman about how there are probably kkk in North Carollina. Near the end of the dream, some of the other fey creatures and I were sitting on the wall, facing the large angry mob of KKK’s and other racists across the field and up the hill from our little town. I think we were going to protect it. Then I woke up.

"One day, he’s going to know. He’ll know your birthday, your middle name, where you were born, your star sign, and your parents names. He’ll know how old you were when you learnt to ride a bike, how your grandparents passed away, how many pets you had, and how much you hated going to school. He’ll know your eye colour, your scars, your freckles, your laugh lines and your birth marks. He’ll know your favourite book, movie, candy, food, pair of shoes, colour, and song. He’s going to know why you’re awake at 5am most nights, where you were when you realised you’d lost a good friend, why you picked up the razor and how you managed to put it down before things went too far. He’s going to know your phobias, your dreams, your fears, your wishes, and your worries. He’s going to know about your first heartbreak, your dream wedding, and your problems with your parents. He’ll know your strengths, weaknesses, laziness, energy, and your mixed emotions. He’s going to know about your love for mayonnaise, your dream of being famous when you were five, your need to quote any film you know all the way through, and your fear of growing older. He’ll know your bad habits, your mannerisms, your stroppy pout, your facial expressions, and your laugh like it’s his favourite song. The way you chew, drink, walk, sleep, fidget and kiss. He’s going to know that you’ve already picked out wedding flowers, baby names, tiles for the bathroom, bridesmaid dresses, and the colour of your bedroom walls. He’s going to know, get annoyed at and then accept that you leave clothes everywhere, take twenty minutes to order a Starbucks, have to organise your DVD’s alphabetically, and check your horoscope… just incase. He’ll know your McDonald’s order, how many sugars to put in your tea, how many scoops of ice cream you want, and that you need your sandwiches cut into triangles. He’s going to know how you feel without you telling him, that you need a wee from a look on your face, and that you’re crying without shedding tears. He’s going to know all of it. Everything. You, from top to bottom and inside out. From learning, from sharing, from listening, from watching. He’s going to know every single thing there is to know, and you know what else? He is still going to love you."

-

Unknown (via zubat)

that was so worth reading and now im crying

(via evhlve)

(via lets--be-unpredictable)

I Make Lists To Keep Myself Sane 4

accessorizingwithapencil:

Things I wish I could talk to someone about.

  • I think my depression isn’t as bad anymore because I stopped contemplating suicide, but I always feel sad.
  • I want to go on walks, and I want to ride a bike to the library, but I’m scared someone will recognize me and think I’m a loser for not having a car.
  • I think America is a pretty horrible place to live and I wonder what would happen if we either kicked out al the horrible people or if all of us normal and nice people just left this horribly racist country.
  • Is it bad that I would rather experience subtle and verbal racism, than violent racism?
  • I wish I was strong and brave enough to hurt people who hurt me.
  • I know that all I have to do to feel confident is to pretend, but, for some reason, the thought makes me want to cry.
  • I would rather drown than join the army, and I am terrified of drowning.
  • I miss how I used to read a book in one sitting, the internet is ruining me.
  • I have no self-control.
  • I keep seeing beautiful people on tumblr and I just wish I looked like one of them. But I don’t.
  • I wish I was better at having conversations with people but when I’m in front of them my mind just goes blank.
  • People write such beautiful things, but whenever I write it just sounds like I vomited words on a scratch piece of paper. My vocabulary just isn’t lyrical and pretty enough. I write, “I hate what you did to me,” and they write image I write, “I love you,” and they writeimage I should just give up.
  • I can’t concentrate long enough to finish anything and it’s making everything worse for me.

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