Warning Signs That I Should Have Noticed
- When I told him that the girl he was friends with made fun of me for reading at the bus stop he told me he probably would’ve made fun of me as well.
- His best friend is guy who literally oozes untrustworthiness and douchebaggery. I mean, come on.
- The music he listened to was full of references to necrophilia, rape, and murdering people- mostly women.
- Apparently, his car had the Confederate flag on it.
- He liked watching Horror movies, especially controversial and mentally scarring ones. Obviously, we wouldn’t have worked out.
- He was always getting upset with me over something and I would end up crying because I felt like it was all my fault. That should have been a huge fucking glaring sign.
- I knew from the beginning he would find me boring and dump me. When you think something bad is going to happen something bad usually ends up happening.
We had gone on some trip to this really big and pretty hotel. We were going to take up two rooms. Girls in one, boys in the other. I’m pretty sure Kaitlynn and Coogler were in the dream with me, which is actually weird now that I think about it since they’re exes and all. Anyway, I was walking up to the room but I didn’t know what floor I was supposed to be on, so Kait helped lead me up to the right one. I think it was the top floor and it was terrifying. It looked like the builders had just made another floor out of leftover wood from other projects. I could see right through the wood slabs that made up the floor to the ground outside. Kait crawled over the floor to one of the doors and let herself inside and then I did the same. Once inside the room was extremely messy with other girl’s things, but the floor looked completely sturdy. I remember checking the other room because I didn’t understand how all the girls were supposed to fit in that one room.
At some point I realized that I didn’t have my computer. I went to the other room to check in there and when I realized it wasn’t there I begged the guys (Coogler, maybe Dion- not sure, and some other guy). The guys were playing video games and they wanted to show me something or the other. i think one of them shot a dart at something and then we all hid as if we were afraid of someone. I don’t remember who I was hiding with. When we came back out there was a group of people sitting in the room and this one green looking guy- he reminded me of Thresh from League of Legends. I think only Coogler was there now, I don’t know where the other guys went, but I begged him to help me get back home so that I could grab my computer and come back. Some lady there offered to let us use her car and asked us to bring her daughter along because she was contaminated with some green stuff from Thresh or something. I don’t know why she asked us to bring the kid along, maybe she thought we were going to a doctor? Coogler also gave me his car keys and I tried to figure out whose car we would use
Anyway, Coogler,the girl, the Thresh looking thing, and I went out to the station and got on a boat. I don’t understand why because we had two cars we could use, but yeah. We started going down this river thing, but the first town we encountered tried to keep us prisoner. So we busted out somehow and freed some of the other prisoners and got away. Our ship was in bad shape so they helped us repair it. At the next town we encountered, everyone seemed nice but also a bit shady. But I never got to figure out how that turned out because I woke up. Weird.
I had some sort of dream where my boyfriend and I were both fairies and some guy had hired my boyfriend to kill someone or get some sort of information. But my boyfriend did it in a way that made the guy mad, like he just didn’t do it the way the guy wanted him to. I, on the other hand, was dealing with the fact that my sister was trying to take care of a baby and bring it to it’s mother but right now she was traveling with it through a winter snowstorm. I was trying to encourage her and tell her that she only had a couple more weeks, or maybe hours, until she reached summer. There was also some sort of conflict going on and I was talking to some woman about how there are probably kkk in North Carollina. Near the end of the dream, some of the other fey creatures and I were sitting on the wall, facing the large angry mob of KKK’s and other racists across the field and up the hill from our little town. I think we were going to protect it. Then I woke up.
Things I wish I could talk to someone about.
- I think my depression isn’t as bad anymore because I stopped contemplating suicide, but I always feel sad.
- I want to go on walks, and I want to ride a bike to the library, but I’m scared someone will recognize me and think I’m a loser for not having a car.
- I think America is a pretty horrible place to live and I wonder what would happen if we either kicked out al the horrible people or if all of us normal and nice people just left this horribly racist country.
- Is it bad that I would rather experience subtle and verbal racism, than violent racism?
- I wish I was strong and brave enough to hurt people who hurt me.
- I know that all I have to do to feel confident is to pretend, but, for some reason, the thought makes me want to cry.
- I would rather drown than join the army, and I am terrified of drowning.
- I miss how I used to read a book in one sitting, the internet is ruining me.
- I have no self-control.
- I keep seeing beautiful people on tumblr and I just wish I looked like one of them. But I don’t.
- I wish I was better at having conversations with people but when I’m in front of them my mind just goes blank.
- People write such beautiful things, but whenever I write it just sounds like I vomited words on a scratch piece of paper. My vocabulary just isn’t lyrical and pretty enough. I write, “I hate what you did to me,” and they write I write, “I love you,” and they write I should just give up.
- I can’t concentrate long enough to finish anything and it’s making everything worse for me.
Reasons why I’m mad at myself.
- I’m attracted to pretty boys.
- I trusted too easily.
- I ripped my jeans because I’m gaining weight.
- I’m too scared to talk to people.
- But then I get depressed when people don’t talk to me.
- I can’t really write anymore.
- I don’t read anymore.
One more to go.
People I wish to God I had never met.
Surprisingly, that’s shorter than I expected.
Edit: I mean I very well can’t say that I wish I hadn’t met my mom. Then I wouldn’t be alive.
People I wish I could have been friends with.
But I’m just too much of a loser to work up the nerve to talk to any of them.
I remember a few months ago my mom sent me a message on facebook that started something like “I had several concerned people tell me that you made a post about being depressed. Don’t you know that this will ruin the image of you and the rest of your family?” or some bullshit like that. And I never finished reading the whole thing after that first sentence. I just completely ignored it and went on with my life. I don’t know, I just remembered it and it’s making laugh and hate my mom even more.
do not fall for beautiful boys.
And if you do,
do not believe them when they tell you they love you,
for it’s a lie they’ve told many girls before.
Do not let them touch you,
it’s all they want from you.
If they are upset over not having sex,
then believe me when I say they are not worth your love.
They will only throw it away
and be the cause of your tears.
Beautiful boys target insecure girls,
because they know we’ll believe them.
They know we won’t want to let them go.
I was depressed and suicidal my senior year and I thought I would never amount to anything.
I found someone to hold on to, someone who I would rather be with than death.
I learned that I can’t depend on other people to hold me up, they’ll leave me, I need to hold myself up- I’m all I have in the end.
It’s been 11 days since I saw a friend at warped tour.
I’m such an introvert, I never thought it would come to the point where i’d actually feel like this. Lonely. I just really hanging out with a friend every two weeks at least. I’m sure if I just messaged a friend they’d be totally fine with hanging out with me. But wouldn’t they have said something by now? I doubt anyone wants to see me.
Whatever, my new book is my new best friend. I’ve been reading Fangirl. It makes me want to write more and I like it. And it’s mine. All mine. Just for me. Hardback and mine. Not a library book. And it’s beautiful.
I understand that I am pretty and cute. I understand that people like how I look, but I believe there are prettier girls than me. I’m not dumb enough to think I am the prettiest. Just looking in my friend group, there are so many pretty girls with pretty long hair and perfect boobs and waists and faces who guys stare at. Maybe it’s just the way they carry themselves or how they are so much more outgoing than I am, but I have never once tried to fool myself into thinking I wasn’t the invisible one in the group.
I am the quiet friend, the shy friend, the introverted friend, the friend who just would really rather stay in her room. Sometimes it doesn’t bug me, sometimes I’m perfectly fine with being left alone. But other times I just feel so ignored. Not ignored in the way that no one flirts with me, but ignored because they barely even talk to me. Or look at me. Or make me feel included. But then I’ve never really felt included in a group. With one other person, sure, but in a group? No way. I am easily lost in a group of people. I can trail behind everyone else and stay quiet, no one will really notice. I could probably just leave out of the blue and no one will notice immediately.
I’m the invisible friend. That’s just my personality. I can’t really change it, so guess I’ll just accept it. I’m trying to fall back in love with reading. Maybe if I read more then I’ll stop thinking about how invisible I am, because i’ll be so deep in another world that it won’t even matter. I’ll become someone else, the main character, someone who can’t be ignored no matter what.